Writing Letters of Condolence

Writing to a friend or acquaintance who has lost a loved one can be a bit daunting. Nothing you say will lessen the grief, but a sincerely meant expression of sympathy can be an enormous comfort. And don’t let fear of saying “the wrong thing” stop you from writing. Write the note as soon as possible after you hear news of the death, keeping these suggestions in mind.

1. Write what you feel. Stop and think about your reaction to news of the death. Many times this thought can be the first sentence of your note. A frank statement such as “We were shocked to hear . . .” or “I can hardly believe he’s gone . . .” or “I never knew her, but news of your mother’s death stunned me because I felt that I did . . .” lets the bereaved know you empathize with the loss.

2. Speak of the dead. If you knew the deceased, one of the best things you can do is recall a fond memory or mention a quality you admired or treasured in that person. Telling a friend, “Your father was so patient, I remember when he helped us build that tree house . . .” or “Aunt Gertrude was strict, but we always knew she had a soft heart . . .” will let the bereaved know their loved one will be cherished and remembered by others as well.

3. Sympathize with the loss. Even if you hardly knew, or never met, the deceased, your note can be a comfort. Let your friend or colleague know you are sympathetic to their grief. Simply saying “My thoughts are with you at this sad time” will do that.

4. Don’t assume you know how they feel. Even if the deceased had been ill for a long time, don’t refer to the death as “a blessing” or “a release” since the person receiving your note might not feel this way. Instead, you might want to express admiration for grace and courage during a difficult ordeal. Never presume that an experience of your own qualifies you to say, “I know exactly how you feel.” Such a statement may even anger or insult someone who is going through an intensely private emotional ordeal.

5. It’s okay to be brief. You don’t need to say much to convey your feelings of sadness and sympathy. And it’s usually best to express yourself very simply: “Our hearts are aching to think of your grief at the loss of Joe.” If you knew Joe, go ahead and say you’ll miss him, too. Just a few sentences can say quite a bit.

6. Don’t leave it all to Hallmark. There’s nothing wrong with sending a sympathy card. But if you do, be sure to write at least one or two sentences in your own hand. Sending a commercially produced card with nothing but your signature at the bottom will convey a lack of feeling and may even be felt as an insult. A note written in blue or black ink on a white or ecru note card is the correct form for this occasion.

7. Avoid morbid details. There is no need to mention details of a death. And it’s especially important to avoid them if the circumstances were shocking or particularly unpleasant.

8. Say only what you mean. Sometimes we want to help, but feel inadequate because we have no idea what we could possibly do. Don’t be embarrassed by the feeling, simply write, “I’d love to help in any way I can, please don’t hesitate to call if you need anything.” But include the offer only if you genuinely mean it; false sentiment will give your well-meant note a hollow ring.